Escaping The Void – Escaping The Narcissist
In the past 5 posts, we have examined the impact narcissists upon Christmas festivities, activities and obligations.
In Part 1, we looked at how we can exist in a dysfunctional relationship without realising it.
In Part 2, we saw that there is hope and how to start looking for it.
In Part 3, we realised that we can reduce loneliness in a narcissistic relationship at Christmas.
In Part 4, we looked at how to protect ourselves from emotional and physical abuse over Christmas.
In Part 5, we discussed about rediscovering our true self and purpose.
In this post, the sixth of seven, we will think about our options, once Christmas is over. Since we have already considered how to live with a narcissist over the previous posts, this post focuses on taking the decision to leave our relationship.
Decisions! Decisions!
We have two alternatives: stay in the relationship or leave the relationship. Whichever option we choose, we must then work out how we are going to make it work. BOTH options require change. Making this decision cannot be taken lightly because it will affect the rest of our life. Whatever we decide, there will be much work to do, risks to face and challenges to overcome, but the final outcome is likely to be very different.
Remaining in the relationship
Choosing to stay does not mean continuing the relationship as it has been.
It does mean using the strategies discussed so far, to reduce abuse, isolation and loneliness whilst we remain in a narcissistic relationship. However, it also means accepting that we will never achieve our full potential.
Our time and effort will always be split between maintaining a liveable situation with someone who actively opposes that and trying to find fulfilment and purpose of our own. All relationships involve compromise, but sitting in a boat whilst one member purposely drills holes is not the best way to stay afloat, neither does it allow the boat to do what it was designed for. Research also shows that when we must focus on two activities, each activity cannot receive 50% of our time and energy: it is much less. Many of us have stayed in our relationships hoping that it will work. It has not. If we choose to continue with the same attitude without making changes, it will still not work.
As it has been said, “The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same things, in the same way, expecting things to change.”
Leaving the relationship
The choice to leave means that we will need both self-protective and exit strategies.
Ending a relationship is hard, but if it involves a narcissist things are complicated further due to trauma bonds between the victim and their abuser–and vice-versa. Only we can decide what is right for our situation, even if well-meaning friends or family try to persuade or pressurise us in the opposite direction once they know. So, we must be as certain as we can be about the decision we make.
Our rights (in the UK) vary depending upon legal/marital status. There may also be financial or legal limitations. Only a family law solicitor can explain all the details and options for our individual situation.
By choosing to leave the relationship, we will provoke intense, prolonged reactions from the narcissist. We will challenge everything upon which they base their life AND we will totally disempower them. The result will be rage, unleashing a side of the narcissist we have not seen before: hell-bent on revenge and our destruction. WE MUST KEEP ALL PLANS SECRET until executed, at which point we aim to keep control without violence or danger.
Escaping is like being trapped in a burning house. We cannot see a way out so we protect ourselves with water-soaked blankets. We know the fire service is coming to rescue us. We focus on staying safe until we can escape and walk away from the burning house. Once we are outside, the house may still collapse or explode, but we are no longer inside and no longer need our wet blankets.
How to Leave a Narcissistic Relationship
Understanding the practical details of our plan is important, but we can be more effective in our planning and its execution if we understand how we think and respond. Here are some points to consider that will help with this.
Admit our annoyance. Narcissists are nauseating. When we recognise this as a source of our frustration, we can take steps to prevent the destructive thinking and let it go. If we deny our annoyance, we will be increasingly stressed and less able to think or reason.
Accept that narcissists rarely change for the better. By accepting this and acknowledging how the narcissist has affected us, we start towards recovery and healing.
Understand how narcissists think. This helps us gauge how to give them just enough reassurance (supply) to settle and focus them on a task, without over-boosting their ego. Understanding does NOT mean excusing them.
Remember the truth. Our feelings are real but many of them exist because being around the narcissist has destroyed our sense of reality. If we acknowledge that our feelings may not be true, whilst giving ourselves permission to ‘feel’ such things, we can counteract the effects of a narcissist’s dysfunctional thinking.
Remember the importance of self-esteem. Narcissists undermine others to boost their own ego. They aim to make us feel worthless. We do NOT have to accept this. We can learn simple self-affirmation where we remind ourselves about our qualities and remind ourselves that these are good. We increase our confidence and esteem by remembering our strengths, forgiving our mistakes, engaging with supportive people who believe in us and expressing our thoughts and feelings to others. If we struggle with low self-esteem, it is worth pondering on how we feel about and treat ourselves.
– Is it gracious and with compassion?
– Are we harsh and judgemental?
– Why do we accept abuse from others?
Answering questions like these helps us to understand how we think and to make changes that allow us to start rebuilding our self-esteem. It may be slow, but is worth our effort and commitment.
Assertiveness is a narcissist’s nightmare. Assertiveness (not aggression) helps us handle harmful narcissistic behaviours by enforcing boundaries that protect us and reduce the narcissist’s supply.
Identify the type of narcissist we are dealing with. Different types of narcissists react differently in the same situation.
Covert narcissists: low self-esteem, highly sensitive to criticism and devious in their actions and responses.
Grandiose narcissists: confident, thick-skinned and a more positive outlook on life. Must be well managed to bring out their strengths. Highly reactive.
Consider the narcissist’s triggers. Different situations may provoke or expose some narcissistic insecurities more than others. Knowing the narcissist and their behaviours helps us to create situations where they act at their best.
Use trusted friends as a thermometer. Narcissists drive wedges in relationships using confusion and inconsistent behaviour. Trusted friends give us an independent view that helps restore balance and reality to our situation when needed.
Stay positive. Narcissists, especially the toxic/malignant type, gain great pleasure from the suffering and struggles of others, especially when they cause it. We can control such childish behaviour by not reacting and, therefore, removing the narcissist’s reward.
Keep it light. This can work with grandiose narcissists who offend less easily and may even find it funny or instructive. We must never be cruel.
Do not be distracted. Narcissists divert our attention and obscure our goals. Our aim is to keep forward momentum, whilst handling their behaviour and reactions. Covert narcissists are best handled by allaying their anxiety and fear. Grandiose narcissists respond best when we acknowledge their feelings, but then move on anyway.
Creating Our Strategy to Leave
A carefully planned ‘escape and freedom’ strategy has the best chance of success. We can use our answers to the following questions to help develop our plans.
– What do I specifically want?
– What would be an ideal outcome for me?
– What am I prepared to give up?
– What can I control?
– What can I NOT control?
– Where do I have power in the relationship?
– When do I plan to divorce (if applicable)?
– Who and what will I need to help me?
– When do I want to be out?
– What are my back-up plans?
We also need to think about specific issues, such as:
Safety. Self-protection during separation is critical. Narcissists will try to suck us back into the relationship, using fake tears, apologies, tantrums, begging and other lies, to whip up our emotions and force us to change our mind. They also use threats and violence if their rage erupts. If we ever feel unsafe, we must call the police to report the incident (see below about police awareness and response in the UK). If, for safety reasons, we cannot call them ourselves, it is good to have a pre-agreed ‘coded,’ but innocuous message, that we send to a friend or support organisation, so they can call the police for us. Minimum contact, whether we are still with, or have left, our abuser helps to reduce opportunity for conflict.
Housing. We should have an emergency hostel or friend as a ‘bolt-hole’ to which we can retreat if we feel in danger, especially if we have been advised to remain in our existing home for legal reasons. If we decide to leave the home voluntarily, we should carefully plan our next steps regarding accommodation, whether temporary or permanent.
Children. If we have children, we need to plan for the short-term and the longer-term. Both parents have a right to see their children and in the early stages, our focus is to ensure they are least damaged by what is happening. Our main priority is always their safety, so any doubts in this area may need legal or professional advice and help. For the longer-term, we must think about how time is divided between parents and priorities for childcare and safety. Narcissists see themselves as the perfect parent. Proving otherwise will need us to gather evidence to the contrary. We should always be prepared for a narcissistic mother to go for total custody of their children, especially attempts to charm and manipulate the court. THIS is why we must employ the services of a narcissist-savvy solicitor (and barrister if needed).
Pets and Possessions. Narcissists target our most valuable items. Nothing is beyond their reach. Their approach to possessions is simple: “What’s mine is mine; what’s ours is mine; what’s yours is mine!” Therefore, by the time we leave, important possessions should have already been removed, particularly, all our financial documents (passbooks, chequebooks, cards, statements), payslips/salary notifications, passport, driving licence, insurance policies and Will (if we have one). We MUST also safeguard pets. Narcissists either claim these as their own or target them for abuse, including poisoning, kidnapping or selling them, out of spite and revenge.
Support and Help. Separation from a narcissist is traumatic and long (years) if divorce is involved. Trying to do everything alone is NOT advisable as our energy (physical, mental and emotional) will be continually and quickly drained by the narcissist’s antics. Healthy relationships with other people help us tolerate the narcissist when we cannot avoid them. Trusted friends can provide a shoulder to lean on and a sounding board for advice. However, we must be careful: they may have been captivated by a smear campaigns, launched by the narcissist once they discovered that we intend to leave. Support groups encourage us, provide guidance and advice which can help us avoid pitfalls and cope with the narcissist’s lies. ‘Trauma aware’ counsellors help bring order to our chaos: past, present and future. Our family doctor (GP) is also a great place for confidential and impartial support and advice.
Financial Help. There may be financial support available, if we need it. Narcissists usually control most, if not all, finances. Access to our money needs early legal advice as most will be in the narcissist’s own accounts. There may be grants available, though the demand for these is high. Do we have family or friends who may be able to help with gifts or short-term loans?
Legal Help. We will need legal advice at some stage, either as ‘one-offs’ or for a whole divorce case. ANY solicitor we consult MUST be aware, experienced and trained in narcissistic abuse. They may not be the cheapest but can save us tens of thousands of pounds in some cases.
Narcissists, police awareness and response to emotional abuse in the UK
Emotional abuse became part of UK law in 2015. For the first time, abusers could be prosecuted for non-physical violence against someone in an intimate relationship.
Good news?
It should be, but sadly it rarely is. There are still too many instances of emotionally abused partners reporting concern for their personal safety, only to have it played-down, challenged or denied and to be told that nothing can be done until the abuse becomes physical.
RUBBISH!
Resistance within police forces to address systematic abuse and to educate their staff means that emotional abuse is a ‘Cinderella subject.’ Let’s face it, if rape is minimised, dismissed or suppressed by those charged with our protection, what chance does ‘name calling’ (as many still label it) have?
Narcissists are highly litigious and use ‘the law’ to prolong, deflect and intimidate their victim. They create fictitious and misrepresented accusations that are projections of how the narcissist thinks and acts. As one survivor said,
“The best way to know what Narcissists are thinking and doing is by listening to their accusations about you!”
This increases pressure on their victim, adding cost and delay: the victim has to prove the accusation to be false. If they do manage to prove it to be untrue, the narcissist receives no penalty for their false accusation. Defaming and isolating their victim is second nature for a narcissist.
Applying Our Strategy
The best made plans, left unexecuted, remain only theory or potential. However, plans rarely go smoothly, especially with narcissists, so we can expect ‘bumps in the road’ and ‘detours’ as we apply them.
A narcissist is highly predictable: they do anything and everything to delay, distract, hurt, confuse and create chaos for their victim. Victims are NOT prepared for the depths to which narcissists stoop with their banal, irrelevant questions, crass statements and amoral behaviour. Once they have been exposed or had their power taken away from them by the victim, their mask drops as they are dragged from safe, magical unreality into the real world. It is not unusual for narcissist to be acting as if demon-possessed.
When caught-up in the childish, vindictive and sadistic activities of the narcissist, it is easy to become distracted and diverted, rather than remaining focused on what we need to do.
This is where informed legal, financial and personal advice from professionals comes into its own. Face-to-face meetings are best, but can be costly. Although we can look for advice on the internet, finding the best articles is a lottery, especially if we do not know much about narcissism. There is a lot of crap mixed with the gems. We can never replace professional advice, which, although expensive, is NOWHERE near as expensive as trying to go it alone.
Narcissists push EVERY button, repeatedly, to create an emotional response in us. Once we are emotionally driven, we cannot think clearly and be rational.
This is where ‘independent’ supporters are so valuable; they CAN think rationally and provide clear interpretation of what was actually said, along with appropriate responses. With supportive friends alongside us, we can also be more confident when applying the personal strategies, learnt over the past five posts, to handle narcissists and their button-pushing.
Executing the plan is where determination, grit, help and self-protective techniques come together to ‘create their fruit’ in the quickest, least painful and least costly way. Carefully planned strategies and taking action, using forethought and knowledge, bring a situation under control much more effectively than knee-jerk responses.
Repeating some questions we have asked before, helps us to plan, prepare and act.
– What do we specifically want?
– What does the narcissist want?
– What are our limits?
– Where do we have power in the relationship?
Application of our strategy starts now and continues for the rest of our lives. We do not simply want to escape trouble now; we want to consistently avoid it in future so that we can recover and eventually heal.
After Our Escape
We may have successfully planned and escaped from our abusive relationship, but what happens now and what happens in the future?
We must think about the important issues, especially childcare if we have children. It is important to remember that narcissistic parents see their children as a chattel, a pawn and a source of supply. Courts may make good financial provision for children, but in the woefully inadequate UK legal system, they may not do what is best for our children: emotionally or physically. Mothers usually get primary custody, which is great when the mother is NOT a narcissist. Narcissistic mothers also receive custody of their children (NOT good for the children) by using theatrics and manipulation to sway a court. THIS arrangement creates endless stress and devaluation for the children, along with access problems for the victim. This is another strong reason for using a narcissist-savvy legal team when finalising childcare during divorce.
We have planned for our longer-term future but, in reality, things change and evolve, sometimes on a daily basis. Therefore, our flexibility really helps to maintain forward movement because we can adapt to what is needed, when it is needed.
I like to think of strategy as being like a roadmap. We plan our destination and we plan stops along the way. As we journey, we come across closed roads, delays and all sorts of barriers to getting there, but eventually after detours, replanning and a lot of effort, we arrive.
Planning our ‘life after departure’ is no different. We
– set a ‘destination’ for our journey, such as, freedom from abuse or to be the real me.
– plan important ‘stops’ on our way, like, make choices, recover, heal, enjoy the peace.
Plans will be different for each of us, but these key elements help us keep travelling towards freedom, but there is always work to do along the way and there are steps that will help to push us forwards and keep us safe on ‘the road.’
Here are a couple to consider.
Allow Our Emotions to Advise us Rather than Drive Us. Emotions dictate most of our decisions, but before each emotion comes a thought. If we allow our emotions to give us access to the thoughts behind them, we begin to discern whether the choice is helpful or unhelpful, whether it solves the problem or simply masks a bigger, underlying problem for us. We learn more about why we feel like we do or act in a certain way. When driven solely by our emotions, we risk running into brick walls, blind alleys or feeling unable to respond and we miss problems that are about to hit us.
Maintain Anonymity and Safety. Narcissists are like superglue or dog poo: they turn up when we least expect them, cling to us, draw us back and prevent us moving on. Our leaving deprives them of reliable, long-term, validation, encouragement and attention. We have disempowered them. They know that they will never find another ‘us’ but they no longer have the power to end the relationship when they choose. In order to avoid the narcissist’s obsessive and continual need for revenge, which can become physical, it is important for us to disappear, cut all contact with them and their allies and remain hidden. This is also key to our recovery, new life and healing.
Recovery and Healing
When we leave abusive relationships, we are traumatised and confused, feeling as if we are going crazy and were the cause or problem. Lies have been sold to us as reality and vice-versa. This was REAL and we will probably suffer their impact for months, even years, after leaving and moving away.
We have escaped from our own version of Hell, but recovery and healing both take time, effort, tears, failures, let-downs and energy to achieve. They continuously feature as part of our long-term strategy and we must create space and opportunity for them to happen. Professionals are another important part of our journey, helping us to manage anxiety or depression.
The road is long and challenging. However, there are some basics that help to drive and support our recovery and healing.
Here are a few suggestions (some will look familiar).
Find help and ensure we are supported.
Protect ourselves by what we do, don’t do and the strategies we have in place.
Create a lifestyle where we feel safe and in control of our own destiny.
Do not be rushed into new relationships. If we are a target for other narcissists, find out why. ALWAYS be highly suspicious of ‘fast love.’
Create new, healthy relationships. After our isolation and alienation from loved and trusted friends (and family) by the narcissist, we CAN reconnect. There are individuals and organisations who specifically help and support survivors of emotional abuse. We may prefer to create new friends on our own. Many use both methods.
Stay no contact with the narcissist. If we need to arrange childcare, use a third-party.
Realise there are no set ‘steps’ to recovery. Recovery from narcissistic abuse is more like grieving than recovery from addiction. It is unstructured, messy and often long. Being flexible reduces the risk of blaming ourselves for ‘not recovering quickly enough.’
Ignore social media. Memes undermine recovery and popular misinformation creates victim blaming and shaming, sending dangerous messages to survivors, like, “You are unlovable until you sort out your problems.” This is pure narcissistic thinking!
Seek professional help. Professionals with the relevant understanding and experience can be hard to find, but are our priority because they are key to success. Survivors risk secondary trauma if they use inexperienced or poorly informed practitioners.
Learn to trust ourselves again. Prolonged abuse destroys our trust in ourselves, others and sometimes, everything! Recovery begins when we find ways to trust ourselves again. Understanding how we were manipulated helps us to think and reason, so that we can rebuild self-esteem that does not rely on the feelings, opinions or attitudes of others.
Discover our most authentic self. Our past helps us discover healing for our present and future. We discard false beliefs, replacing them with real ones like, “Our experiences and feelings are valid” and “Our sensitivities do not make us weak.” Our authentic (real) self emerges and we become more independent and complete … and we enjoy the benefits of our efforts for the rest of our life.
Understand and accept that we may never get closure. We want our abuser to admit their mistakes and apologise, so that we can move on. Narcissists DO NOT do this. If our recovery includes learning how to move on without closure, how to face pain and difficulty whilst being increasingly indifferent to the narcissist and less embroiled with them, we can create our own closure and heal.
In conclusion, leaving a narcissistic abuser is difficult. It takes time, careful planning, trust in those who support us, understanding what will work and when. Despite our best planning, our success will also depend upon changes that we make ‘on-the-hoof,’ as we negotiate the narcissist’s actions and reactions. Recovery and healing are both possible, even when a narcissist refuses to apologise or accept responsibility for their actions (that is, we do not get ‘closure’). Our plans and strategies are most effective when they apply what we know, creating a way forward into the immediate future, the further future and the rest of our lives.
I hope you have found this post helpful. I spent three years writing my story and experiences of helping victims to escape emotionally abusive relationships. It became a handbook of clear, practical, powerful advice and strategies to make the narcissist irrelevant and enable rediscovery of the real you that has been suppressed and trampled on by your abuser. For further information please search for Escaping The Void (How to support victims out of emotionally abusive relationships’ or by entering ‘escaping the void, book, narcissistic abuse’ on Amazon.
In Part 7, the final post of this series, we create a cheat sheet of interactions with a narcissist that will make our life worse. In other words, things we should NOT say or do, even though we will feel like it!
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