“I have a dream…”  -  Without dreams there is no future.

I’m no psychologist so don’t really have any theories to answer this but I have made a few observations over the years that may help (they certainly helped me when my own confidence nose-dived … for 24 months).

Many of us seem programmed in to expectations: those we put on ourselves but also those imposed on us by others such as parents or close friends. If we don’t meet or live-up to those expectations we assume that we’ve failed.

The key question to ask is, “How realistic were those expectations in the first place?”

Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail; that way we’re not disappointed when failure comes, as it surely will at some stage.

Perhaps the expectations we set are achievable, but not in a single step.

We want in one; we make it in three, so we’ve failed. A counsellor friend regularly reminds me to ‘be merciful on myself’; in other words give myself a chance, including the failures. After all, if we take longer to achieve our goals, is the World going to stop turning or is our life in danger? Rarely is the answer to either of these questions ‘yes’.

Putting our expectations in context  is key to giving ourselves a chance and achieving our goals. Sometimes we’re simply too hard on ourselves.

What happens if the expectations have ben imposed on us by others?

That is a more difficult question to answer, especially in a work setting.  I’m not talking about work targets here; I’m talking about expectations of behaviour and attitude, especially if the go against our own code of conduct and morals. These seem to be big buzzwords in the business and education world but so few actually adapt them and make them work.  It seems that when competition comes, we’re expected to do what everyone else does, often involving making promises we can’t keep or ‘stretching the truth’ (we never tell lies!) about what we can do or orders we can fulfil just to get the business. The problem with this approach is that it will come out at some stage and when it does we show ourselves to be no different to anyone else. I have a good friend who actually resigned from an important position because he was being asked to do something that went against his personal morals and therefore, undermined his integrity. He was being given expectations by others that he was not prepared to undertake or embrace. He now runs a highly successful consultancy based on his principles.

So what?

When we are operating within our own realistic expectations, giving ourselves space to fail (and learn) and not compromising who we are, we are confident people. Confidence is based largely on what we know bout who we are, are we’re comfortable with that. We know that if we don’t get it right first time it’s not failure. All of the truly great inventors who have shaped and changed our world tried many (sometimes hundreds or thousands) of times before they ‘got it right’.

Perhaps we live in a World that expects everything too quickly and too easily, that doesn’t really leave space for trial and error (the true food of success) and in the process destroys confidence rather than building it.  Those with the loudest voice, strongest protest or biggest personality win the day, leaving the rest to suffer.

So, how do we build confidence in ourselves and each other?

This is a huge question on which are written many books and texts, but here are a few suggestions that I hope will help:

1. Slowly: Don’t expect too much too quickly.
2. Step-wise: Break a big task into smaller components and conquer each one.
3. Patiently: Give yourself space to fail (however you define it) and learn.
4. Overcome basic fears: These are key to holding us back and locking us into low confidence. Once you overcome one fear you realise that you can overcome others too. Ask good friends whom you trust to help you and to provide useful feedback.
5. Realise that you matter: Too many think that they have no value or worth (a lot of this has been learnt throughout life and often been imposed on them by others). This is a lie! Everyone ha inherent value; we do matter; we are important. Try to build this base and foundation and it will be easier to do the rest.  You may need help. Seek it out and find people (friends and professionals) whom you can trust and who can make it work.

This seems too little for such a large subject but I hope it has given you some useful and helpful pointers.

I’d like to finish with a practical example of confidence building that has helped a lot of people to take that first step.

One of the activities I run in schools and businesses is Meet The Beasts, a hands-on reptile and mini beast experience. Number three in our list of phobias (according to a Time Magazine survey) is bugs, creepy crawlies and spiders (Number 1 is giving presentations, Number two is flying and Number seven is death!). Many people (especially the girls) start out almost paranoid with fear when I produce the first snake or lizard.  However, by letting them see others (especially their friends) handling these animals, it’s amazing how quickly many grow in confidence enough to touch an animal. Some then move on to handle them.  the most spectacular are those who tell me they actually like the animals and are going to either get one as a pet (or ask their parents for one as a pet … at this point I often worry about parents hunting me out to ask why their son or daughter suddenly wants a pet snake!).

For many, the first step to building confidence is the opportunity to see close-up, what it is they’re afraid of and see how positively other people handle it.  For example, their friends are not bitten, strangled or poisoned (the three most likely fears of snakes). From there they move forward a step into doing something for themselves (though their friends have often been the catalyst in that process).

What I find really interesting is feedback from teachers and colleagues on how these individuals grow in confidence across a wide range of situations, being prepared to try new things or tackle problems that previously they were afraid to tackle.  Building confidence can be contagious, for each individual, as wells the whole class or group.

What better than to allow people to be empowered to change how they behave and benefit themselves and this around them.

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The Old Phone

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighbourhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was ‘Information Please’ and there was nothing she did not know. ‘Information Please’ could supply anyone’s number and the correct time.

My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbour. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.

I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlour and dragged it to the landing.  Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlour and held it to my ear. ‘Information, please’ I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. ‘Information.’

‘I hurt my finger,’  I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.

‘Isn’t your mother home?’ came the question.

‘Nobody’s home but me,’ I blubbered.

‘Are you bleeding?’ the voice asked.

‘No,’ I replied. ‘I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.’

‘Can you open the icebox?’ she asked.

I said I could.

‘Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,’ said the voice.

After that, I called ‘Information Please’ for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called‘Information Please’ and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, ‘Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?’

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, ‘Wayne always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.’ Somehow I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone, ‘Information Please.’

‘Information,’ said in the now familiar voice. ‘How do I spell fix?’ I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. ‘Information Please’ belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.

As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.

Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialled my hometown Operator and said, ‘Information Please.’

Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. ‘Information.’

I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying, ‘Could you please tell me how to spell fix?’  There was a long pause. Then came the softly spoken answer, ‘I guess your finger must have healed by now.’

I laughed, ‘So it’s really you,’ I said. ‘I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?’

‘I wonder,’ she said,‘If you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.’

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.

‘Please do,’ she said. ‘Just ask for Sally.’

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered ‘Information.’

I asked for Sally.

‘Are you a friend?’ she said.

‘Yes, a very old friend,’ I answered.

‘I’m sorry to have to tell you this,’ she said. ‘Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.’

Before I could hang up she said, ‘Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?’

 ‘Yes,’ I answered.

‘Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, ‘Tell him there are other worlds to sing in.’ He’ll know what I mean.’ I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.

Sometimes it is a simple spoken word to someone who is surrounded by silence, that changes their day or even their life….

I recently tried to type ‘msconfig’ into the ‘Run’ dialogue box from the Start menu and received a message  that msconfig could not be found.  I did the usual trawl of the internet and my brain started to implode as the tecchies discussed the inner working of my computer which gave me a headache rather than solve the problem.

In short, there seems to be a number of different reasons for this error message which can be divided into missing msconfig.exe application or problems with files/root keys (technical term).

 I should stress that the first part of any solution is the investigation and therefore, finding out information does not necessarily lead to actions to resolve it! In my case it was pretty straightforward and the advice I received matched my problem exactly.  Changing anything in the Registry or associated files can seriously screw up the workings of your computer so take advice if the solution is not obvious.

Here are the two things I tried:

1. I checked the folder C:\Windows\PCHealth\HelpCtr\Binaries to see if MSConfig.exe was there. It was so that was good.  If it had been missing, it would have been possible to download MSConfig.exe from the internet and put it in that file.
2. As  that was all okay I followed the following advice from Ramesh, Microsoft MVP on the web site Tom’s Hardware under ‘Forums’ which was as follows (I’ve edited some of the techno speak and added my own notes for clarity):

A.  This message can appear if MSConfig.exe is missing from the ‘App Paths’ folder.

a.  To find out, go to the Run dialogue box again and type in regedit.  This will open a new window containing the Registry keys. 

b.  In the left column you’ll see a list of different files/keys starting with the title HKEY_. 

c.  Open the key HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE,

d.  Then find SOFTWARE, open that

e.  Find Microsoft, open that

f.  Find Windows, open that

g.  Find Current Version, open that

h.  Find App Paths.

i.  Under App Paths there should be a folder/key titled MSCONFIG.EXE. 

If that’s there, open it and check that  the path C:\WINDOWS\PCHealth\HelpCtr\Binaries\MSConfig.exe is shown. 

If this path is missing, double-click on the Default file and type the following path C:\WINDOWS\PCHealth\HelpCtr\Binaries\MSConfig.exe into the field available, then click on OK.  This should solve your problem.

If the MSCONFIG.EXE folder/key is not in the list, right-click on the App Paths folder/key and a drop down menu appears. 

Select New and then choose Key. 

Type MSCONFIG.EXE and enter OK.  This adds the MSCONFIG.EXE folder/key to the list. 

Select the folder/key you have just created (MSCONFIG.EXE) then, as above, double-click on the Default file to open it and type in C:\WINDOWS\PCHealth\HelpCtr\Binaries\MSConfig.exe. 

Select OK and this should solve your problem.

As I’ve already said, software and registry issues are hideously complicated so if anything is unclear and the above does not make sense or folder/keys seem to be okay, ALWAYS ask an expert or seek advice. 

From bitter experience I’ve discovered that messing with the registry of a computer can seriously damage your health!

The crematorium was packed to overflowing and many familiar faces were dotted amongst the crowd of people who had come to pay their last respects.  The service contained some real heartfelt tributes and as usual, we all learnt things about our friend we didn’t previously know. 

The tributes were glowing: he was dedicated, hardworking, reliable, a loving husband and father … but one phrase amongst these tributes hit me harder than anything else in the service; it was the simple phrase,

“If only he knew how much he was appreciated and loved by others.”

And that set me thinking.

I had known him for nearly 30 years, yet how often had I told him that I valued his friendship and counsel?  How often had I said, “You’re a good friend” or “I appreciate you” or “If you ever want to chat, I’m here.”

Now I know it’s very easy to become introspective at funerals and think about the ‘what ifs’ and ‘If onlys’ of life, but I do think those few challenging words are very significant: to me  and to everyone in friendships or relationships.

We all need friendships and relationships to function at our best. Many will be long-standing; some will be more recent; some will be brand new.  Whatever their status, a key factor for their success is our input (the one thing we can control), both in terms of quality and quantity.

Why do we have relationships?

We’re human beings and we need personal contact: without it we’re potentially heading for potential health risks and psychiatric disorders/imbalances.  If it were not so, why is solitary confinement used as a form of torture to break down resistance and extract information/cause harm and suffering?

The nature of relationships will vary depending on their context e.g., personal relationships will be different to business relationships, but the core requirements are pretty consistent regardless of their context.  Three common scenarios are:

‘I’m in it for what I can get out of it’:  most of these are doomed to problems and failure, and are not actually true relationships. 

‘I’m in it for what I can put into it’: these are far more likely to work if the action is reciprocated by the other party(ies).

‘I’m in it for how we can support and help each other‘: these are the most likely to survive and thrive through good and bad times.

Face-to-face contact

An important part of a relationship is face-to-face contact.  Many of these face-to-face interactions carry far more value than we realise since many non-obvious factors like expression, body language, touch etc, reinforce our words and actions. It’s at these times that we can really build each other up and make the other person feel valued and important.  It may be a natural part of our relationship or we may have to work at it.  Whichever is true, it is important.

Attending my friend’s funeral has reminded me of the importance of these ‘personal’ moments and of my responsibility to help make my relationships successful.

If we are successful in just this area, we will have made a difference to other people’s lives and, I believe, made a difference to our own life too, because as our behaviour changes in one area it will almost certainly impact many other areas of our life at the same time … and surely that can only be a bonus.

I’m not one for New Year Resolutions, but I’m definitely one for setting personal targets and for reviewing the past year and seeing how I can make changes for the better. Of course, we never really know whether the changes we make will be for the better: only time and experience will tell.

My major personal target for this year is to continue striving to ensure that what I say matches what I do.  Integrity in business and personal life is key to the success of developing new relationships and maintaining (and strengthening) those I already have.

I hope my business will continue to develop and I intend to do what I can to help that process.  I hope for greater happiness this year.  I hope for personal development and success for my children as they branch out into new fields and careers.

I dream for a restful holiday, away from it all, when I can enjoy time with my family and children.  I dream of travelling abroad. I dream of undertaking new challenges and completing some old and ongoing ones.  I dream of staying healthy.

But underneath all of these hopes and dreams, I’m the same person, with the same frailties, habits, tendencies, fears and insecurities.  There are plenty of things that could conspire against me.  But I know that much of what happens to me is out of my control.  I can control certain things, but other things will happen whether I want them to or not: they’re in that part of life which seems to creep up and, unexpectedly, delivers good or bad.

I’m thankful that whatever my future holds, I’m held by the God who made me.  He knows what will happen and He knows the way through it. He’s given me life in 2011 and together we’ll find a way through that, despite me and my foibles, will hopefully enhance the lives of others and myself in the process.

Happy New Year!

Our king of escapology at the moment is Reg the Columbian Rainbow Boa. 

My son noticed various things mysteriously falling from his shelves over a period of a week or so.  We couldn’t work out what it was. A week later all was revealed.  Reg had clearly realised that if he pushed hard enough against the roof of his tank, he could lift the lid (and the 2 tanks sat on the lid!) and wriggle free.  First line of escape was along the shelf and onto the bookshelves, where the various items were knocked off en-route to the door. 

His intentions were betrayed by a loud crashing sound on the landing at 4am.  Upon investigation I saw that a shelf had fallen over.  Moving to lift the shelf I was attacked by an exceedingly irate snake onto which the shelf had just fallen (and as I was next along I presume he thought I was the cause of his original surprise! and undoubted discomfort).  After a 5-minute cooling-off period, Reg was happily returned to a new tank with sliding doors which he hasn’t yet worked out how to open.

Reg is one of 5 of our snakes to have escaped in the past year. 

Another notable occasions was Snowy, our albino Corn Snake who casually slithered across my daughter’s foot whilst she was revising for some exams, to which she said, “Oh! Dad! I think Snowy’s out!”

So, if you intend to keep reptiles, especially those with no legs, remember they are genetically descended from Houdini and are pathological escape artists.  They will escape, so be prepared, or invest in tank locks for every tank you have.

We think it’s great fun looking for them, as it’s a bit like playing hide-and-seek with a 3-year old: they alway hide in the same place and think you can’t see them; then are surprised hen you find them.

Until next time …

What has become apparent is how much of the information I had thought of as specialist is applicable to students in their studies, today.  It’s been a bit of a surprise rediscovery.  For example, my background in clinical trials has allowed me to share a wealth of knowledge with Year 7, Year 8, Year 9, GCSE and A-Level students.  What’s more, I’ve also had opportunities to provide input at higher education (degree) level.

So where does this leave me with respect to all the other activities I undertake, personally and as part of my business?

Add it to my portfolio!

What I am learning more and more is that we all have our own unique life story.  No-one else can tell it: it’s ours!  That story is extremely valuable to others, both in terms of our knowledge and our experience, however little we me feel we have! 

When I take time to look back and look at my experiences (good and bad) I’m amazed how often the help, advice or opinion of someone else has helped, either for providing a solution or for clarifying my thinking.

Our experiences are never wasted.  It is usually the bad ones we remember most and that come back to haunt us, but there are many good experiences which have etched their impact into the metal of our lives.

So, why should it be any different with our career?  All of life experience is valuable for how we learn and interact with others (or don’t).  If we add our total experience together, we will be amazed at what we can offer: it’s usually more than we ever realise. 

After all, it’s free added value!

I am reasonably well-known in a few circles locally for my percussion and drumming work, but my workshops, though plentiful had been voluntary input to a couple of schools for friends who were teachers: I worked full-time and did the workshops as favours.  These were extremely well received and over a period of 5 years or so I made many visits.

Unfortunately, around the time I left work, there were major changes in the teachers (specifically, head teachers) at the schools where I had worked.  My friends retired or left the profession and so many of my contacts evaporated overnight. 

The last 2 or so years has been spent building links with new schools, but with many competitors already established, it has not been easy.

And through all of this, the old adage that “It’s not what you know, but who you know” has shouted in my face many times. Sure, I’ve had breaks and done workshops, and the future is looking bright, but it is difficult to express the frustration and sometimes blind panic that ceases hold when the very thing you’re wrestling with is what puts bread and butter on the table, clothes on your back and keeps your car on the road.

So what have I learnt?

In three words, “Never give up!“

I’ve learnt more about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses during this time than at just about any other period in my life.  And I intend to work on these as I move forward.

But if you’re a teacher, or a manager who is looking for creative drumming & percussion workshops to spice up your lessons or build your times (and you’re based in the UK), I can help!