I’m always fascinated by how quick and easy it is to destroy confidence compared with how long it takes to build confidence in the first place (or re-build confidence after a knock).
I’m no psychologist so don’t really have any theories to answer this but I have made a few observations over the years that may help (they certainly helped me when my own confidence nose-dived … for 24 months).
Many of us seem programmed in to expectations: those we put on ourselves but also those imposed on us by others such as parents or close friends. If we don’t meet or live-up to those expectations we assume that we’ve failed.
The key question to ask is, “How realistic were those expectations in the first place?”
Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail; that way we’re not disappointed when failure comes, as it surely will at some stage.
Perhaps the expectations we set are achievable, but not in a single step.
We want in one; we make it in three, so we’ve failed. A counsellor friend regularly reminds me to ‘be merciful on myself’; in other words give myself a chance, including the failures. After all, if we take longer to achieve our goals, is the World going to stop turning or is our life in danger? Rarely is the answer to either of these questions ‘yes’.
Putting our expectations in context is key to giving ourselves a chance and achieving our goals. Sometimes we’re simply too hard on ourselves.
What happens if the expectations have ben imposed on us by others?
That is a more difficult question to answer, especially in a work setting. I’m not talking about work targets here; I’m talking about expectations of behaviour and attitude, especially if the go against our own code of conduct and morals. These seem to be big buzzwords in the business and education world but so few actually adapt them and make them work. It seems that when competition comes, we’re expected to do what everyone else does, often involving making promises we can’t keep or ‘stretching the truth’ (we never tell lies!) about what we can do or orders we can fulfil just to get the business. The problem with this approach is that it will come out at some stage and when it does we show ourselves to be no different to anyone else. I have a good friend who actually resigned from an important position because he was being asked to do something that went against his personal morals and therefore, undermined his integrity. He was being given expectations by others that he was not prepared to undertake or embrace. He now runs a highly successful consultancy based on his principles.
So what?
When we are operating within our own realistic expectations, giving ourselves space to fail (and learn) and not compromising who we are, we are confident people. Confidence is based largely on what we know bout who we are, are we’re comfortable with that. We know that if we don’t get it right first time it’s not failure. All of the truly great inventors who have shaped and changed our world tried many (sometimes hundreds or thousands) of times before they ‘got it right’.
Perhaps we live in a World that expects everything too quickly and too easily, that doesn’t really leave space for trial and error (the true food of success) and in the process destroys confidence rather than building it. Those with the loudest voice, strongest protest or biggest personality win the day, leaving the rest to suffer.
So, how do we build confidence in ourselves and each other?
This is a huge question on which are written many books and texts, but here are a few suggestions that I hope will help:
- Slowly: Don’t expect too much too quickly.
- Step-wise: Break a big task into smaller components and conquer each one.
- Patiently: Give yourself space to fail (however you define it) and learn.
- Overcome basic fears: These are key to holding us back and locking us into low confidence. Once you overcome one fear you realise that you can overcome others too. Ask good friends whom you trust to help you and to provide useful feedback.
- Realise that you matter: Too many think that they have no value or worth (a lot of this has been learnt throughout life and often been imposed on them by others). This is a lie! Everyone ha inherent value; we do matter; we are important. Try to build this base and foundation and it will be easier to do the rest. You may need help. Seek it out and find people (friends and professionals) whom you can trust and who can make it work.
This seems too little for such a large subject but I hope it has given you some useful and helpful pointers.
I’d like to finish with a practical example of confidence building that has helped a lot of people to take that first step.
One of the activities I run in schools and businesses is Meet The Beasts, a hands-on reptile and mini beast experience. Number three in our list of phobias (according to a Time Magazine survey) is bugs, creepy crawlies and spiders (Number 1 is giving presentations, Number two is flying and Number seven is death!). Many people (especially the girls) start out almost paranoid with fear when I produce the first snake or lizard. However, by letting them see others (especially their friends) handling these animals, it’s amazing how quickly many grow in confidence enough to touch an animal. Some then move on to handle them. the most spectacular are those who tell me they actually like the animals and are going to either get one as a pet (or ask their parents for one as a pet … at this point I often worry about parents hunting me out to ask why their son or daughter suddenly wants a pet snake!).
For many, the first step to building confidence is the opportunity to see close-up, what it is they’re afraid of and see how positively other people handle it. For example, their friends are not bitten, strangled or poisoned (the three most likely fears of snakes). From there they move forward a step into doing something for themselves (though their friends have often been the catalyst in that process).
What I find really interesting is feedback from teachers and colleagues on how these individuals grow in confidence across a wide range of situations, being prepared to try new things or tackle problems that previously they were afraid to tackle. Building confidence can be contagious, for each individual, as wells the whole class or group.
What better than to allow people to be empowered to change how they behave and benefit themselves and this around them.
Tags: be confident with failure, building better business, building confidence, building confidence in others, businesses, education, meet the beasts, overcoming false expectations, overcoming fears, people matter, realistic expectations, relationships, reptile minibeasts workshops events, schools
